aggravation.
aggravation..
aggravation.
(synonym of pain, i wont call it pain cos it deserves a lesser word. not that it hurts less but i dont think i want to give it that much satisfaction.)
Yesterday had potential to be the best day of my life, instead the whirlwind of perfect experiences was tainted with ignorance, jealousy and sad cliche's for later writing.
every few yards of beauty was half-matched with an act made by another that proved to aggrevate and decrease my day. this i dont show, i live my life for others sometimes. im not willing to gloom about showing my pains because it will inevitably spill over to anothers cup. i guess im trying to be selfless but im finding more and more that it is a selfish act. as christians, out burdens are not out own.
i feel like a fool for thinking that things change and the best of people is what will come. For thinking that the bear trap is gone and that the pile of leaves is just a pile of beautiful leaves fallen from the beautiful red and orange trees. i was wrong, my leg is torn and bloody and i hope ive learned that i shouldnt eat regurgitated food.
-----------------------------------------------
it doesnt much feel like my daily bread,
or you like the air i breath. but it must be!
why?
because i have felt, and been fed and breathed your breath.
ive seen and tasted, heard you and touched thy hem.
at that i humbly ask to be made full, and for my mild lungs to expand and contract within your chest.
-----------------------------------------------
I went to see mewithoutYou last night, before hand we (daniel, laura, sarah) walked around seattle for hours. it was really entertaining, and fun. it was a chore to make it that but it was worth it. while standing in line, next to their tour bus david sparks saw aaron weiss, the lead singer for mwY. they talked for a little while and the flowers were brought up, aarond said that he didnt have any for the show yet but was going to get them soon. he then asked daniel if he had a car, daniel said nope but they do. it ended up being me driving around seattle to get flowers from pike place market. we eventually found it and 4 folks piled out my my overweight van to scrounge for day old flowers (as the market is closed on sundays and this was in fact sunday). All the while daniel and i talked in the car and played with my novelty keyboard. The returned like 20 minutes later with a garbage bag full of peppers and old whithered flowers. aaron played us a number on the keys and is a rad guy. he is a regular guy, no rock star no god among men. i never thought of him that way but it was nice to have this "icon" (to me anyway) manifest himself as being who he turned out to be. Thank you aaron.
we left and went to 7-11 in bothell, then i drove laura and sarah to the sparks where they are sleeping in a camper. the night ended with a handshake and less than a few words. i then drove daniel home, which was cool. we talked a bit and the ride seemed shorter than ive ever known before. while on my way home I...then i went to sleep.
29.11.04
23.11.04
the daylight, its beautiful.
frustration.
frustration..
frustration.
God why?...im gonna stop there. i always ask God why. i never let him just tell me his ways/reasons or discretions, i just assume that i have to ask and that he wont answer me. soon i will forget this human pain and the cycle will flow as it has many years over. the impurity that fell will be lost in the clouds before it hits the ground.
i was gonna turn off the music so i can think more clearly but this song is really cool. DMB/the stone. on a side note five iron frenzy played their final show on November 22nd, 2003 one year ago to this day, well that day that passed a little more than an hour ago. amazing memories. rip (in a non literal sense, a memorial i suppose).
i dont know much but what i do know is how to cope with life. or so i thought. ya know ive been through a lot of weird stuff in my still short lifetime, a lot of stuff i think im gonna stop sharing with people. it turns into a big joke, i guess that happens because i make it that. i play things, terrible things off to be mere inconveniences and silly interruptions to life. inside i battle over decisions that will change my future and many others but my face is cheerfull, happy even. my poker face is supreme although it would translate disaster if my hand was shown. God is so big and im so stinkin small, thats the way i see it. God im sure sees it far differently. we are all somehow the biggest, most unique duty to him all the time. this complexity in our relationship serves only to amaze and perplex me.
i dont know.
i feel like going to God is too easy a task, that somehow, for some reason he expects more of us. more resourcefull beings are we. what an idiotic thought, find the answer in falacy, look to the lie for truth? nay.
people come up to me and tell me of my great impact on them regarding the way i handle trials, i say "its all God." they smile and walk away inspired by my pious answer. i am fake. Yes by God i made it through such a desperate time but more than not i relied on me not He. yes by their standards, measuring my faith and my actions in the mire of life i am a saint but by my own and by the rod that measures i fall flat and dust washes my eyes.
Too weak to wonder,Too tired to care,
Jesus Christ, are you really there?
I've fallen down,Can't pull myself back up.
I'm going to drown, have mercy,Have mercy.
I need you now,Not words or a feeling.
But Jesus Christ,I've hit the ceiling.
Your love,Your mercy,
Your light unending.
Your hope,Your peace,
Your strength my heart is mending.
(BS2 gloria)
amen.
frustration..
frustration.
God why?...im gonna stop there. i always ask God why. i never let him just tell me his ways/reasons or discretions, i just assume that i have to ask and that he wont answer me. soon i will forget this human pain and the cycle will flow as it has many years over. the impurity that fell will be lost in the clouds before it hits the ground.
i was gonna turn off the music so i can think more clearly but this song is really cool. DMB/the stone. on a side note five iron frenzy played their final show on November 22nd, 2003 one year ago to this day, well that day that passed a little more than an hour ago. amazing memories. rip (in a non literal sense, a memorial i suppose).
i dont know much but what i do know is how to cope with life. or so i thought. ya know ive been through a lot of weird stuff in my still short lifetime, a lot of stuff i think im gonna stop sharing with people. it turns into a big joke, i guess that happens because i make it that. i play things, terrible things off to be mere inconveniences and silly interruptions to life. inside i battle over decisions that will change my future and many others but my face is cheerfull, happy even. my poker face is supreme although it would translate disaster if my hand was shown. God is so big and im so stinkin small, thats the way i see it. God im sure sees it far differently. we are all somehow the biggest, most unique duty to him all the time. this complexity in our relationship serves only to amaze and perplex me.
i dont know.
i feel like going to God is too easy a task, that somehow, for some reason he expects more of us. more resourcefull beings are we. what an idiotic thought, find the answer in falacy, look to the lie for truth? nay.
people come up to me and tell me of my great impact on them regarding the way i handle trials, i say "its all God." they smile and walk away inspired by my pious answer. i am fake. Yes by God i made it through such a desperate time but more than not i relied on me not He. yes by their standards, measuring my faith and my actions in the mire of life i am a saint but by my own and by the rod that measures i fall flat and dust washes my eyes.
Too weak to wonder,Too tired to care,
Jesus Christ, are you really there?
I've fallen down,Can't pull myself back up.
I'm going to drown, have mercy,Have mercy.
I need you now,Not words or a feeling.
But Jesus Christ,I've hit the ceiling.
Your love,Your mercy,
Your light unending.
Your hope,Your peace,
Your strength my heart is mending.
(BS2 gloria)
amen.
18.11.04
Little-town Syndrome
Little-town syndrome, I feel like I’m dying slowly as if there’s a looming darkness. That darkness has black gloves and a plastic bag that he’s more than willing to share. Its nothing immediate, he stands behind me letting me feel his breath on my neck. Of course I don’t turn, I’m too busy living life and making myself appreciated. It was an epiphany at daylight, waking in this town of countless thousands, sad but true, it’s far too small. Similar faces, same expressions, tried and true. OJ wants two fresh oatmeal raisin cookies and a small cup of black brewed coffee. The same deal everyday give or take a bowl of soup and a refill of straight black. I’m sure this saint has seen it all, filled his plate with miles and miles, his cup with fascination ended with an abbreviation, not done yet. I can be like him but I’m not done yet, I’ve got to drop all this. See myself in countless mirrors, not just the one that hangs so tired on my bathroom wall. To be like him, He had to leave his life and find a new one. A faster pace and better shoes, ones made for dirty streets and empty rooms. This I would call living, no more garage’s that open up for you, no more fountains that come from a fridge. I want to live. With meekness, I will find humanity and live as Christ, humbled were His days and humble will mine be too.
yesterday at work i felt really small and infinitely unwise, some guy came in to work and i knew his drink. he asked for the usual and the usual is what he got. 16oz mocha, no whip, to go. this may seem great to some but its an omen to me of things to come. he then got on his cell phone and talked to his friend about meeting up and having a party for someone blah blah blah, it seemed like what it was. he was a 20something year old small town boy who was probably on the football team and knows the people who work at the local burger joint a few blocks away. i dont know how well or how long i can take this, living in this suburbia bliss. i need to be in the thick of something, big city or obscure land outside of this bubble of america.
anyhoooo, im off to run and eat and shower and yes. routine. later
17.11.04
Natch and back again
Listenin to Dave Matthews
Seek Up (live with Tim Reynolds)
Sins and Swears
We have no need for nets, safety or security,
those exist in theory not in life.
If God is love and love is real then where can I find Him?
In the fading arms of a one night stand,
or in the softest touch of a mother’s hand.
This honest question is ripe with lies.
My well-earned reputations, of being "steadfast"
and "true" have dissolved,
faster than these bitter pills.
I’ve taken them down, the hatch like all the rest, hymns and prayers.
I dont plan for redemption I plan for sins and swears.
This is me, im beyond myself and finding more and more
that i am disgusting, and quite frankly i like it.
this isnt the everyday adam but it is a part of me. the way i feel beneath the Almighty sometimes, inadequate and undefined.
This weekend was super, i went to wenatchee and played in the sandbox for a few days. I took the train there and returned today on a bus. the ride home was a bit of an adventure, i left wenatchee at 12:40 and arrived in downtown everett at 3:30 from there i hopped on a bus that had a lynwood sign thinking it would bring me closer to home, it did. from there i took another bus to the lynwood P&R then i looked for a bus to the Canyon Park P&R...i finally found it and had 15 minutes, i saw a KFC and went to get a KFC Crispy Chicken Wrap with Zinger sauce. It took a bit longer than i wanted it too i got back to the bus right when it was supposed to leave, luckily the driver was talkin to someone and didnt leave. getting to canyon park i thought about calling donovan but then felt a lot like walking the rest of the way home. it was pretty dark by now which made it fun. i walked a few miles home with my backpack and man purse completing the journey of radness also on the first bus, the 3+hr one from the Natch there was a 12 or so yr old girl that kept staring at me, i was eating beef jerkey and she was kind of plump. i almost gave her some but then ate it all cos i was starving. i also read a chapter of Deliver Us From Evil by Sean Hannity...i like it.
appologies for lack of punctuation...and structure.
Listenin to Frederic Chopin
Scherzo
fartwell,
Adam
Seek Up (live with Tim Reynolds)
Sins and Swears
We have no need for nets, safety or security,
those exist in theory not in life.
If God is love and love is real then where can I find Him?
In the fading arms of a one night stand,
or in the softest touch of a mother’s hand.
This honest question is ripe with lies.
My well-earned reputations, of being "steadfast"
and "true" have dissolved,
faster than these bitter pills.
I’ve taken them down, the hatch like all the rest, hymns and prayers.
I dont plan for redemption I plan for sins and swears.
This is me, im beyond myself and finding more and more
that i am disgusting, and quite frankly i like it.
this isnt the everyday adam but it is a part of me. the way i feel beneath the Almighty sometimes, inadequate and undefined.
This weekend was super, i went to wenatchee and played in the sandbox for a few days. I took the train there and returned today on a bus. the ride home was a bit of an adventure, i left wenatchee at 12:40 and arrived in downtown everett at 3:30 from there i hopped on a bus that had a lynwood sign thinking it would bring me closer to home, it did. from there i took another bus to the lynwood P&R then i looked for a bus to the Canyon Park P&R...i finally found it and had 15 minutes, i saw a KFC and went to get a KFC Crispy Chicken Wrap with Zinger sauce. It took a bit longer than i wanted it too i got back to the bus right when it was supposed to leave, luckily the driver was talkin to someone and didnt leave. getting to canyon park i thought about calling donovan but then felt a lot like walking the rest of the way home. it was pretty dark by now which made it fun. i walked a few miles home with my backpack and man purse completing the journey of radness also on the first bus, the 3+hr one from the Natch there was a 12 or so yr old girl that kept staring at me, i was eating beef jerkey and she was kind of plump. i almost gave her some but then ate it all cos i was starving. i also read a chapter of Deliver Us From Evil by Sean Hannity...i like it.
appologies for lack of punctuation...and structure.
Listenin to Frederic Chopin
Scherzo
fartwell,
Adam
9.11.04
(A tale half told) BARAK!
The strangest thing happened recently. I assure you embellishment is not the means by which I write. This is factual and convincingly weird.
My classmates and I were given sections of a textbook to read aloud during class. When it came upon me to read the whole class jumped out of their desks and ran to the door. Some leaving the class all together while others just looked through the doorways armpits and keyholes. Even the teacher was tip toed and clawing for a sight. After a few minutes of this monkey at the glass exhibition they turned and laughed back to their desks. I supposed I didn’t think much of it at the time, well not enough to get out of my desk and fight for a glimpse. I was relying on the front-runners of this spectacle to hand that baton of insight. Frankie, a petit, squirrelly-eyed girl who saw it all and wanted all to see! I was told of hundreds of ties and shirts hanging from the ceiling of the parking lots ceiling. Then she snickered a little snicker and drooled saying there was also a pair of boxers hanging like a flag above the cars. No choice but to grin, I grinned. Back to the book, I finished my “informative” section on anthropology, which was a lengthy two paragraphs long. Not having seen the parking area kind of disappointed me but school was nearly out. The moment that bell rang excitement bit my heels and I ran. I saw them all, they were blue, red, plaid, striped, and MINE! These ties were all mine! My van had been filled with clothing, as I didn’t have a place to store it all. I immediately ran to it to see if anything else had been done. The tires were fine, the dents were still there and most important of all I still had my jamming keyboard. It wasn't until i climbed into my usual saddle that i noticed something peculiar, it was a Styrofoam box holding the remains of someone’s teriyaki lunch at my feet. A clue I suppose. With the help of a friend I began to dismantle the abundance of ties hanging so naturally from the ceiling. This was a hard task because the ceiling was so high. To my surprise John Olerud comes walking up and decides to help, he is one tall fellow. Actually he was just the perfect height for plucking them down. The ties were free but now remained the boxers, my shame was too much so I left them there, hanging, waiting, forgotten. I thanked Mr. Olerud for his kindness and was on my way. I guess I blacked out for a while, the next thing I remember I am holding an orange IPOD Mini, which contained the address and phone numbers of about 10 people. I had found the gadget in the cracks of my rear seat where I kept the ties. As well as having the names and phone numbers of this mans friends I had his, Barak.
DANG it’s too bad that was a dream it was just getting good and someone decided to call me! Pieces of crap! Maybe one day or even some day I will catch Barak.
Good day,
adam
My classmates and I were given sections of a textbook to read aloud during class. When it came upon me to read the whole class jumped out of their desks and ran to the door. Some leaving the class all together while others just looked through the doorways armpits and keyholes. Even the teacher was tip toed and clawing for a sight. After a few minutes of this monkey at the glass exhibition they turned and laughed back to their desks. I supposed I didn’t think much of it at the time, well not enough to get out of my desk and fight for a glimpse. I was relying on the front-runners of this spectacle to hand that baton of insight. Frankie, a petit, squirrelly-eyed girl who saw it all and wanted all to see! I was told of hundreds of ties and shirts hanging from the ceiling of the parking lots ceiling. Then she snickered a little snicker and drooled saying there was also a pair of boxers hanging like a flag above the cars. No choice but to grin, I grinned. Back to the book, I finished my “informative” section on anthropology, which was a lengthy two paragraphs long. Not having seen the parking area kind of disappointed me but school was nearly out. The moment that bell rang excitement bit my heels and I ran. I saw them all, they were blue, red, plaid, striped, and MINE! These ties were all mine! My van had been filled with clothing, as I didn’t have a place to store it all. I immediately ran to it to see if anything else had been done. The tires were fine, the dents were still there and most important of all I still had my jamming keyboard. It wasn't until i climbed into my usual saddle that i noticed something peculiar, it was a Styrofoam box holding the remains of someone’s teriyaki lunch at my feet. A clue I suppose. With the help of a friend I began to dismantle the abundance of ties hanging so naturally from the ceiling. This was a hard task because the ceiling was so high. To my surprise John Olerud comes walking up and decides to help, he is one tall fellow. Actually he was just the perfect height for plucking them down. The ties were free but now remained the boxers, my shame was too much so I left them there, hanging, waiting, forgotten. I thanked Mr. Olerud for his kindness and was on my way. I guess I blacked out for a while, the next thing I remember I am holding an orange IPOD Mini, which contained the address and phone numbers of about 10 people. I had found the gadget in the cracks of my rear seat where I kept the ties. As well as having the names and phone numbers of this mans friends I had his, Barak.
DANG it’s too bad that was a dream it was just getting good and someone decided to call me! Pieces of crap! Maybe one day or even some day I will catch Barak.
Good day,
adam
8.11.04
Mmmmmblah
the past week has been amazing. God has been faithfull in so many areas, both hidden and visible. The biggest thing i need right now is structure. i need not stay awake until the wee hours of the night and awake deep in the mire of my laziness.
i wrote this a few days ago...
i've set an unholy blaze,
it was fed by my hands and all my woes.
it ran across my heart searing your love.
searching for my soul it begged for sins sweet fuel.
i fanned the flame while looking in your face, needless to say it was through the soot and smoke.
ive run and i've run, far enough for this fog to blind me.
my sight is gone and my will is charred.
ignite in me a brighter, more brilliant light oh Great Redeemer
and cauterize these wounds i bear.
purify the riches you've so abundantly given.
scars i can live with, reminders of your grace, your perfection in me.
HERES ONE IM WRITING RIGHT NOW AS I POST
ive said goodbye to yesterdays, theyve gone before the cold.
leading me, or previously demanding i be bold.
a warmer spring has has spread its wings beyond the reach of hand,
specters watch and failed crops dumbfound the smarter man
I WILL FINISH YOU LATER MY FRIEND.
i wrote this a few days ago...
i've set an unholy blaze,
it was fed by my hands and all my woes.
it ran across my heart searing your love.
searching for my soul it begged for sins sweet fuel.
i fanned the flame while looking in your face, needless to say it was through the soot and smoke.
ive run and i've run, far enough for this fog to blind me.
my sight is gone and my will is charred.
ignite in me a brighter, more brilliant light oh Great Redeemer
and cauterize these wounds i bear.
purify the riches you've so abundantly given.
scars i can live with, reminders of your grace, your perfection in me.
HERES ONE IM WRITING RIGHT NOW AS I POST
ive said goodbye to yesterdays, theyve gone before the cold.
leading me, or previously demanding i be bold.
a warmer spring has has spread its wings beyond the reach of hand,
specters watch and failed crops dumbfound the smarter man
I WILL FINISH YOU LATER MY FRIEND.
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