the daylight, its beautiful.

frustration.
frustration..
frustration.

God why?...im gonna stop there. i always ask God why. i never let him just tell me his ways/reasons or discretions, i just assume that i have to ask and that he wont answer me. soon i will forget this human pain and the cycle will flow as it has many years over. the impurity that fell will be lost in the clouds before it hits the ground.

i was gonna turn off the music so i can think more clearly but this song is really cool. DMB/the stone. on a side note five iron frenzy played their final show on November 22nd, 2003 one year ago to this day, well that day that passed a little more than an hour ago. amazing memories. rip (in a non literal sense, a memorial i suppose).

i dont know much but what i do know is how to cope with life. or so i thought. ya know ive been through a lot of weird stuff in my still short lifetime, a lot of stuff i think im gonna stop sharing with people. it turns into a big joke, i guess that happens because i make it that. i play things, terrible things off to be mere inconveniences and silly interruptions to life. inside i battle over decisions that will change my future and many others but my face is cheerfull, happy even. my poker face is supreme although it would translate disaster if my hand was shown. God is so big and im so stinkin small, thats the way i see it. God im sure sees it far differently. we are all somehow the biggest, most unique duty to him all the time. this complexity in our relationship serves only to amaze and perplex me.

i dont know.

i feel like going to God is too easy a task, that somehow, for some reason he expects more of us. more resourcefull beings are we. what an idiotic thought, find the answer in falacy, look to the lie for truth? nay.

people come up to me and tell me of my great impact on them regarding the way i handle trials, i say "its all God." they smile and walk away inspired by my pious answer. i am fake. Yes by God i made it through such a desperate time but more than not i relied on me not He. yes by their standards, measuring my faith and my actions in the mire of life i am a saint but by my own and by the rod that measures i fall flat and dust washes my eyes.

Too weak to wonder,Too tired to care,
Jesus Christ, are you really there?
I've fallen down,Can't pull myself back up.
I'm going to drown, have mercy,Have mercy.
I need you now,Not words or a feeling.
But Jesus Christ,I've hit the ceiling.

Your love,Your mercy,
Your light unending.
Your hope,Your peace,
Your strength my heart is mending.
(BS2 gloria)
amen.