tis time, and with it words.

how pitiful am i!

i dont know what to do with myself sometimes-often. starting over is hard, especially when you know and He knows that it should have been done ages ago.

i dont know what i feel right now, or if i feel i suppose. i dont think i do at this hour. i want something that seems so distant and...

... its distance has not once lessened my desire for it. not like most distances do to most things. the difference is that this isnt just another thing.

yes.

i guess i should update sometime soon.

Spirits of control and confusion

The past week or so I've thought about the way I've written in the past and I am highly critical of it. Some of it may be good but I feel like there was not much thought to it. i write about something without wanting to. Get somewhere without choosing that somewhere.

Kept in little jars on little shelves,
PAINT!
sold to begging farmers who'er saving souls.
MY!
Temporal pain can be released with a days wage.
SOUL!
Mothers weep for sons who never cared.
A!
Fathers mourn their daughters with brows of ash.
BRIGHTER!

When ash is not enough,
those fathers turn to paint and brass.

SHADE!
The painters wrists cant reach the "real",
the church has bound,
bound their pockets to his heel.
The reformation Luther, Calvin.
Brighter days will come but not before it gets a little darker.

ADAM

the faintest

why is it so hard to follow you?
for me to disregard the pleasures and leisures of today and be a child of forever should be simple. it should be easy. only you can make every new day seems so new.

becoming your martyr

lots of people do this.
decide that life is too painful, sad, unfair, etc. and all they want is to feel needed.
they want this but dont seek it out, skimming surfaces when they should be diving deeper. yes i feel for them but there is a point when you just say to yourself "they need to find their way, alone." the oft tendency then, is becoming your martyr. making yourself out to be some hero of old who struggles only to find some strand of purpose. they do this and succeed only to view themselves this way. others see them as being self serving, even liars.

advice: screw this all! i am going to live and love and be my martyr no more. i am going to enjoy life and it will have me as its patron not its begger.

good day.
adam

lock my arms i dont want to move!

i love the new blindside cd...there is a lot of...how you say? blood in it...and fear

the song FELL IN LOVE WITH THE GAME
You take me by the hand and I grab You by the throat
And we come crashing down through the window
On the dirt ground below
And we wrestle in the mud and the blood and the beer
Break my jaw I don’t care
Just stay with me, stay

Lock my arms I don’t want to move
Hold me still teach me how to weep
If it’s ok with You I think I’ll stay here
For a little while

wrestling with God is part of being human. he created us, we drove ourselves to ruin and were ruined. he offers blood. whether we choose the blood-or not, we fight, it is a lifelong experience and practice. i just really like the description christian gives in this song of his wrestlings with god.

the part that sticks out right now is the line "hold me still teach me how to weep"
its shotgun of a statement! we are always wanting to twist and run and squirm and...move. the verse in matthew comes to mind-I played the flute for you but you did not dance, i sang a song of lament but you did not mourn. it has very little to do with that verse but i think we in america fail in every way to experience compassion, remorse, we fail to "weep" for others. i really dont know how to explain myself right now in words but it burns and i have the same prayer (if that was his intention behind these words and they are not merely words.)

God hold me still and teach me how to weep, give me a compassion and honesty and help me bleed.

i got out of work so quickly tonight. we close at 10:30...jody and i finished up and left at 10:23...terrible day for money at the LD.

The rich and poor have this in common, the Lord is the Maker of them all.
Proverbs 22:2

You give and i take, i give and you bless.
unselfish.
Its odd to me that God knows my entire being, it is also important i find that i tell him what he knows about me as if he knew nothing at all, this is for my sake and his magnification i guess.


here are pictures of the table paintings abi and i have done so far. the frist is a japanese wave, the second of 3 nigerians dressed to impress.



in love and hope,
a-dawg

i wont wrestle no more.

wow.
thank you for grace Lord and that your promises are true and that you are my GOD and there are so many "and's" i cant begin or end to explain You, how big you are and how you work in so many small situations and...thank you.

*written at worque*

I think i am bound. that there is a life contract set by situation and involvement. a bounty for our words.

i tell and have told my self that i want to live "a life worth writing about/worth reading about"

i want children and adults with the joy of children to grab my wrists and sit me down to tell them stories they've heard before. its not that i want to be needed (well maybe a little bit but thats part of being human) but a burning i NEED to fulfill and fuel.

more within a week or so...i promise...yes is yes.
adam

eloi eloi

to be filled with awe and wonder.
i was listening to the bible answer man on the way home, he had a special guest. i dont remember this fellows name but i liked him. he explained things well and held many of the same opinions and stood many of the same stances i take on the christian life and walk. i liked him for that reason i guess. he was honest and candid and you dont get that much. its a pity we mostly like people who hold a fork like we do.

i want to be filled with awe and wonder and i dont want that to be connected with my emotions i want the awe to be rooted and wonder to be sustained.

God reveal yourself to me in a new way.
i feel like my soul is ready to explode into colors i havent seen before, i'm ready father. oh eloi im waiting on the crumbs from your table.

adam

blah balh bhal

"lord undo me"-
how then are we undone? such a desire is felt at least once in the life of Christian. After the death of a love one, knowing nothing will return them to you; After being disappointed by someone you thought could never fail. These instances of being undone are brought through circumstancesand are not based solely on the reflection of who we are at our worst. When _______ asks to be undon, he is asking for the Potter out of anger, and frustration to drestroy His creation. Because of its uselessness and fractures he asks, no, begs to be thrown at the wall and made dust. Returning to the state of previous to creation, and not necessarily desiring to be recreated or made new. To find an end.



Oh to begin again. When you've begun to end your life because it now seems a bit less than worthless.(i love the smell of cigarettes from about 20ft away, they seem to lpse a bit of the toxicity and take on a more pleasing smell. The only thing you can do is begin again. That point in life holds so much beauty.

i want an ink well and quill, i'd write much and then seal the letters with red wax.

xxiburubixx

Another few weeks have passed since I last used you/this/it.
another few weeks since I posted my thoughts.
this time I'm really going to try and be better about posting, being consistent in something. I have been very inconsistent in my life all around these days so this being no exception should not surprise me/you/it.

moving pieces on a rubix-cube
none stay put, I'll never get through.
when I find out why I move,
I'll begin to be still, I'll kick off my shoes.
since red's turned blue and yellow's white
my ups become down my evil is right!

patterns of ignorance and my slowing speech
bring me to a place where I no longer need.
You, You, You.

(writing from experience, something we have all had and felt.)

catchy eh.

I've a wonderful friend.
she is wonderful.
shes my friend.
I have a friend who is wonderful.

Grood Night.
aedum

evenin'
when i first started this blog it was for me. i liked it a lot. i posted every feeling, frustration, joy and fancy. sadly that changed. i started thinking more about the readers than about me.

Readers Digest. what a great name.
if i had a little magazine i would call it that.

today was good. i had a lot of fun with a abi (most of the time spent defending my armpits). work was grand.

blindside is approaching and i am sho exshited. latona is approaching and i am sho exshited.

i was listening to kvi today on my drive home, Ken Shram was in for John Carlson. this is significant because they are basically enemies. one, a conservative talkshow host the other a tv/radio personality with leftist agendas and arrogance like no other. over the years they have become arch enemies, they even work for competing news organizations (shram is with kiro or komo or something...). on the show he invited the mostly fanatical christian/far right community of listers to "SLAM SHRAM"....he devoted an hour to this. i happened to have heard about 30 minutes of it then gave up on every listener and began to like Shram. He is an ignorant, self absorbed ass of a man but i like him. Every call was absurd. the first one was actually pretty funny. the guy farted in the phone showing the greater seattle area what he thought of Mr. S. The second was a fairly young guy who tried to play himself as being above the left-winged mouth. "You know Shram every time i see you or hear your voice i pray that you become an on fire christian!"

ken justifiably replied....what makes you think im not? what gives you the right to assume that im not a christian....

yeah thats how you reach someone....oi

i cant get my thoughts out completely but i was frustrated and didnt want to claim that guy or many more of the callers as being a part of my family. i guess that makes me as foolish as they.

adam

to write or not to write
...to not write, is painful.
everything i want to express is bottled up and wants out!
welcome back self.

i dont know where to begin and dont know where to stop, i dont want to stop.
this movement from my mind to finger from pen to paper is beautiful and i am disappointed by my lack of motivation.

i havent been gone but i havent been HERE. its not that i havent had time for this its that i have had no ambition to sit and type for 5-10 minutes. ive also had no motivation to sit and write for even that long. blah.

its funny when you reflect back on a situation and realize how many times God has allowed you to be successful and follow Him and how we as feeble minded beings seem to ignore them...and further the distance from his will. all for now.

(run punctuation and grammar program NOW)
SHAZAAM!
adam

Squandered "us" they've been distilled

Art needn't concern itself with explanations. No excuse or goodly feeling should ever be offered in compromise of its expressive power.
That is what it is right, expression? Expression of my heart and her soul and the overflow of his entire being. It is "us" and we offer that part-of-"us" birth. We give it (if we have guts enough...To all who have eyes or ears or tongue or nose or nerves, those who can be persuaded to feel and smell and taste and hear and see) an existence.

some live in a sterile place, one of cold metal and white skin (or it may be orange if the one is a teenage girl). They live without "being" they've escaped our song. They are still, or if you feel in the mood for a good analogy...Distilled. Take a wonderfully dirty human being, dreaded hair and tattered soles. Take off their cowboy hat, bleach the skin, unwrap their khrama, belittle their dignity, remove their moccasin, confound their pride, create one more, combine the pieces.

peace,
Adam

"Voices of the Shadows and the Runaways"

last night

went to work and got a big blister on my left pinky toe, the shoes i wore were too small. I closed at work and it took far too long, mary is a slow one. getting home i talked to donovan for a while and it was cool. its good get others opinions on matters of the "next." tonight he and i are hangin out as we have not done this in many moons, or tides, or days. then i had a wonderful conversation of clarity with a wonderful person. coming inside josh, daniel and donovan were all trying on a pair of girl pants, this was no normal pair, they were like latex to their legs, disgusting.

before the night i got a car. just shy of teal, he is a Geo Metro LSI and has been dubbed Chittum. i have been loaned $2000 and now need to sell my van to pay it back.

i need to get ready for work but the bathroom is in use. excuse me while i barge.
adamus maxiumus

See the pig dressed in his finest fine.

The believers stand behind him and smile
As the day lights up with fire. -dmb

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace,
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Maseter, grant that i may not so much seek to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we recieve,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
it is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.

These words of beauty are from the heart, mind, soul, hand and pen of Saint Francis. Long ago his spirit inspired, today it inspires.

Gather my heart to fear your name.

I fix my eyes on you...some of the time.

are You my strength, my rock, inpenetrable fortress, deliverer from evil, my constant trust, the horn of my salvation...my high tower?
you have so many jobs to fill, and you do it so well. i have only one and fail so often. forgive my lack of passion. MAKE me need you more.

clickity-clack.

what is truth? begged Pilate of the Christ

if you're true... if you describe about whats going on in your life or in the room or what you pick up. cos a lot of our songs i feel like they're overheard conversations. sometimes they're not my stories but i feel them very deeply...but to be true is really important...and i think that gods interested in truth and only interested in truth. and that is why god is interested in rock and roll music and not in gospel. because those gospel folk, a lot of the time they're not being truthful because they can't be and thats really sad and traqic.

~murmur~they cant be?~murmur~

Why? because they're not open and, they're not describing about their lives, they're not describing about their dads...a lot of the time. now, what they are when they hit, is worshiping god, worship, music to worship god, i'm interested in that. thats different though. but we have to have the true thing and if you cant write about whats really going on in the world and in your life cos its all happy clappy (claps hands)you know i mean is god interested in that?...please, dont patronize me.. i want to go to a nine inch nails concert, theyre talking the truth.


thank you bono...more from me later.
adam

Submissive in inequity

Skim the surface, the fat of the cream.

walk along the shoreline with your silent song.
follow, lead, as you follow, not too far behind. Together is better off apart.

what is desired I would give it. What desire? would you have it?

even if you win, even then you don't win.

excellence does not appear spontaneously, rather it is the antithesis.


YOU SPOKE TO ME FORM A DISTANCE IVE NEVER KNOWN.
I TOLD YOU THINGS, SO CLOSE TO ME. THINGS THEY'VE NEVER KNOWN.

IM not the 12yr old I wished I could have remained.
for years after that age I lied to my internal clock or calendar or whatever piece of mind pays attention to that sort of thing.

my thoughts are on the uncontrollable and how I wish those things would make themselves clear, bring definition.

I pride myself on being enigmatic. Maybe its safer, or I could be scared or better yet-I want you to ask me questions.

lips in prayer are poised in fear.
despite my failed attempts.
adorned in scorn, unfettered.
hearts breathe softly, refuting claim.

I've cried again. Not this night.

these thorns dig flesh.
NOT mine, not a crown.
a shroud of terrible thorns that poke and pierce and bleed.
give them to me and...
... oh NEVER MORE.


my hand wont break. When I punch that metal frame, it dents. My knuckles refuse to bleed and shatter and I feel no pain. With strife that seems uncommon to man one...

inaction met with devastation and blank, glassy ones. They hold it in so well.

something so difficult is better challenged of its existence. better challenged than to succumb because of its wailing call, that terrible call.

some things are better left unexplained...probably unsaid too.
adam

Why not be crushed and made wine?

Soon, there will come a time when you will no longer see me. I’ll be gone, off to some place of obscurity (or is it purpose?). When you call to me I will not answer. This place of purpose (or is it obscurity?) will change me and I will love it and it will deny me…at first. I don’t know where it and I will be found or lost better yet-embraced.

----------!TIME!----------

GRACE, I lack it often. Cynicism, I’ve got plenty, barrels full. I’m very frustrated with ME. I want to love them so much, so rightly and as my Father does, with no interruptions. But I find, I cannot. Give me that love my Lord.
Who cares if he flirts or if he laughs or if he is too slow or he if thinks too much or if he forgets too often…it seems I thrive off of this.

----------I met with sean chandler this afternoon. He was very late, the traffic was hideous I hear. We met for only a half hour and God you are faithful and deserving of ME and I not of YOU.


I told him of my desires and loves and passions and the things I could never do… and our time ended far too soon. We will meet again, Sunday after church we say, for teriyaki and fellowship and overflowing of hearts and tea.

Megan Krantz played at the Lyons Den tonight, it was very good and I love to hear her sing and to laugh with her.

there are times i feel quite lonely, like i have not connected with someone this day...i know this is not true though. today i have connected with many. i sat by elizabeth and talked a bit today, she is almost a quadripalegic, slight mobility of the arms. she talks very well for this condition or the condition of her shell. she is a very exuberant woman, and much older than she seems. ever friday and or saturday she would come and watch and listen and interact at the Lyons Den. she would come and sit by the door as people came in and out, treating her like the plague at times. she doesnt smell the greatest and drools like a 2yr old and i love her, very much i do. she is very lighthearted and likes to order me around cos its the fun thing to do. making straws extra long with tape and fixing TUNA sandwiches cut into little bits so she can eat them more easily. having moved to seattle a few months ago elizabeth hasnt showed her beaming face on those formerly predictable friday/saturday nights. it was good to see her and talk for a moment. ACCESS was very late in picking her up, it is disappointing that they arent better at what they do. the driver passed by a few times and i eventually ran down the street trying to catch him before he gave up looking for the coffee shop that could have sneezed in his face it was so close. came home with abi and jamie, ling ling and goodbye.

now my friends are watching a movie, hmmmm. i need to talk with someone in person. i think i am starved for such a thing. its the whole water water everywhere but not a drop to drink fiasco. so many minds but none that can be tapped. i am very tired but will sleep is not an option due to light and noise...i want to talk but my voice would reach the walls, i want to scream but the chords of chaos would meet the sleepers who-i hope- are dreaming wonderful dreams in my stead. i cant quit writing, if fingers cease, my mind will overload...i need to expell some thought. if i cant be honest what can i be? if i dont speak what i wish to...is that a lie? to me to us? if if silence is right then why do i want to talk so much?


a goodnight, i hope.
adam

With hands tied (behind my back)

she is beautiful and bound.
wondeful and wrapped, in metal and plastic.
rest now in sleeps pretense.
"the angels wings will cover you tonight, halleluja, halleluja.
rest your head against the breast of christ, halleluja, halleluja."

"thoughts pass by like a river flows."

this little girl is very pretty, her parents must often wonder what she might have been like, without the pain. they must have thought and blamed and cursed themselves to a point of collapse. these thoughts pass by like a sweeping second hand from 6 to 8 to 10 and another minute begins and their new love for her is born.

for a moment, standing behind the counter i saw through the Fathers eyes who this little one is. was made to be. her only words were moans and snarls, indistinguishable murmurs for help or for love or for hunger. He let me see this fracture mended and it was beautiful, she was beautiful, she is beautiful.

this is my first update in many days, i havent written all that much lately.
the trend must not continue.
adam

A Phoenix Ignition

Went to a mormon "church" yesterday. Abi, James, Melissa and i traveled to redmond to the stake found only a stones toss from my old school. Excerpts and addings to what was said this passed sunday.

And everything was prompted, paper fed, papers read.
No heart, no person in those words. stale. nothing unique, beauty stifled.
"faith is to hope for things unseen, that you know are true." in the name of jesus christ, amen??
"heavens eyes smile down as we declare, peace."
"fast for purpose, there are levels of spirituality only reached by prayer and fasting..." will you pray, and fast, and fail?!
There are rules for these things you know!
...and now another quote by the Lord Joseph Smith "We encompass all truth despite its source." hmmm. 1cor.13

saturday i went to a driving class to get out of the path of a traffic ticket.

gloria.goofy.wheeler.smokey.badknees.cocktail.turban.didntclickit.othello.okiedokiepotsmokie.dothatathome!

I wrote this in the car a few days ago just before work.

The hidden discourse of my mind,
In barren snow-capped mountains find,
or desert’s sand, forgotten time.
I must find, in time my mind.
Untie a creature from its post,
Trauma settled on new host.
An axe a knife a sword a stone
In each has been a murder sewn.
I’m free, I Creature, never walk!
Briskly tear these lines of chalk.
Winding ‘round, connected end,
This broken body found again.

jumbled and space to fill.
adam

Yahweh

Yahweh, U2
Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I’m waiting for the dawn

Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don’t make a fist
Take this mouth
So quick to criticise
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahewh, Yahweh
Still I’m waiting for the dawn

Still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up
The sun is coming up on the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?

Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break

in the beginning

...this day was beautiful.
God i long to be with You and while that longing remains, i desire a full life. Nothing medial, nothing ordiniary, i people to speak in envy of how you used me. And i want that envy to grow into desire and that desire to be rooted in You. That my life would inspire usefulness and worth and that because of your workings righteousness would spring.

This is a beautiful day.
i opened at work today. i woke at 5:45 to an alarm i put near my head to assure my waking. Josh was standing over me. i thougt it was david scrambling to end all noise.
he laughed, at this point it was obviously a seigel. he informed me that he and daniel were just now going to bed. they had just finished up a 3+hr game of Age of Mythology.

God this is not empty,
forced thankfullness. Take it and bless the thought. Thank You Lord, That i live with five amazing guys. ive been an ass lately. forgive me for my cynical and ever-critical assesment of every one of them. it was wrong. i was wrong. More than anything right now i desire to grow with these guys. in knowledge and in faith. we will often disagree but let there be no quarrel among us. bless our home with peace and virtue. descend upon our lives with beauty and give us fervant hearts desire your ways, not our own.

Eloi, i seek you.
amen.

today i hung out with 4 wonderful fems. we went to the khmer new year celebration. good food, humorous/cheesy play and a few culturally distinct dances. it was cool getting to see what another culture holds important. good to see what a friend has known as culture. i was tired but dont want that to be an excuse. i shut down halfway through the night. maybe a build up of many things but my mind seemed to have vanished. someone would say something and my mouth wanted to respond out of habit...my mind would not follow. it was strange, it was sad-i think.

adam

Torches together, torches forever

...or if you'd rather be a window id gladly be your frame...

here are some poems i wrote last year during Creative Writing...

A Place Called Sorrow

There is a man who lives in that apartment.
He's been there a while now.
Every day he leaves just to get back in.
He walks quickly just to feel insecure,
to realize how much he misses being home.
He walks as briskly as an older man can,
Through the tennis court, past the unusually dirty pool up the small stairs back to the familiar place.
As well as he knows the loose board's creek in the entryway
and the leaky faucet, he knows pain.
He lives with pain for a while, a roommate he is thankful to have forgotten.

He kicked him out one night,
it was after a heated argument.
That was a good day for the man.
He is happier and heavier these days,
no longer the frail man of his former temerament.
The morning after that good night, he painted a picture of something new.
"I'll no longer go there." he promised himself scratching the canvas with a dark color and smiling a little smile.


here is the second part to it that i wrote many months later in realizing i had lost the above work...which i found this week.

A Place of Contentment

another park bench, or the gazebo where the young couple is hiding love?
a cane now presses against his leg, a sign of things to come.
the lord smiles still, at this tweed jacket of a man.
those channels still grip his face, a little deeper now,
a little more time takes hold.
never gray, this morning's filled with promise,
tonight is cards with Roger and the boys.
still no letter, still no word.
the lord looks on these dull faded eyes,
he looks and sees a servant, late to bloom but oh father thank you that he has.
once a thorn, now a flower,
the bastard now a son.

The man I speak of defeated something huge in his life. Something that had potential to crush him, make your own story to fit his pain and one of how he rose against such a force.


The humanity!
Abraham's children litter the skies at night
while beasts of our time gaze upward.
Up past the lights and sound and past the heavens.
Pondering origin and what the future may hold.
They ponder why and who we are because they know not their inner yearn.
Ignorance isn't bliss, it is torment!
Taking heed to such advice yields no more than fists full of sand.
A phantoms grasp at buried gold.
In tombs they held it fast,
breached by men who dared ill curse.
Their measure weighed and soon found red.


WALDO

Dripping
Dripping more,
Dripping more than just before
He leapt forth into the lake,
Soaring quick for his balls sake.
A giant splash of displaced sludge,
Lake Sammamish holds its grudge.
Polluted bath of toxic slime,
Home to chemicals and to time.
Unconcerned with pH tests,
Inner-tubes or life-vests.
It's a rubber toy that he seeks,
Instinct tugs at drooling cheeks.
Emerging proud he's proved his worth,
Trudging out from dog-made surf.

that will be enough for now.
adam

something like laughter

i dont know what is going through my mind, through my finger tips, my feet, my heart. this is an exciting time to be alive, (i tried to finish that sentence better but being vague seems to fit best). after work i took the spoils of the week to our place. i felt so grown up. ive relied on others so much. different families, friends, all giving, pouring out their riches. im pathetic in my response. i often felt like the silent slave, but i have no bond. bowing my head repeatedly in gratitude without actually SAYING "thank you..." for "this" and for "that." im waking in 3 and a half hours. easter sunday.

a humbleing sensation rose in me hours ago. i felt like falling on my knees at that moment and crying, dismissing all interruption and just weeping. i guess i still feel like this. this isnt some easter revelation or recollection of a broken christ... god i wont ask you to take me back again, i wont ask for you to look at me without hesitation. HESITATE! NEGLECT! FORGET! such as i deserve! im excited, im broken, im hopefull, im here and i wont ask but i will act. i wont ask but you will act, you must oh lord you must.

i dont know what to write other than i had a good day and grieve my generation. i overheard a conversation between a brother and sister today. they sat in comfort, sipping on ceramic cups. they sat and she spoke. "oh god! kill me if you ever catch me in a christian music store!" this continued. she also spoke of how cheesy and impersonal every church seems, and how there is so much proof of gods existence. i dont know where im going with this but her words spoke volumes to me. her examination of my Lords kingdom (as we have made it) is sad and all but broken.

i feel like i am typing with half a keyboard, half of what i think is being thrown out, the other trapped between my skull and fingers.

i sliced my finger at work, bled much.

goodnight neverland,
aaaachoooooo

tonight was great.
awana.
hanging out with andre', sean o., donovan.
we had a good conversation about prayer. is gods hand in every pool? my conclusion is NO. he lets us live and lets glasses break and gardens grow. he lets them be and break and flourish, when i say "lets" i mean leaves them to their course.

anyway the following stuff is all random journal stuff, some prayer some just conversations with moi in my head. also a few beginnings and hints at poetry.

March 18-
My lack of passion
What is it? Its what drives us forward, the hidden voice calling us to what we love. In this moment I am far, far from the voice and that which I love.

All the while You held my exit.

Many of my recent entries have been pleadings to walk again, but it seems I loved to crawl. So I say, just as I’ve said before “this is the last. My pathetic stagnancy will end. Yield itself to you and forever we will walk, you will lead.” Now I beg! Eloí, you are my awareness. Apart from you I am without sight and sound. Taste and touch. Casting these weights, I ask You to carry this, carry me.

March 20-
“Cursed is any man hung from a tree.”
The caster of such could only be me.
Led to the slaughter this sheep to be sheared,
The tips of our fingers and minds to be feared.

Wooden expressions we give to the poor,
Sullen complexion we feast and afford.

That same look I give the broken and unrighteous man, I gave then. He who bore my weight and suffered much affliction was met with those same eyes.

March 21-
Stripes! Those Terrible Stripes!
A painting bore in flesh of His chest
This could be a masterpiece, validation of artistry!
Whipping the brush, whipping marks with perfect intrusion.
Smitten canvas of red on white.
“…He has put Him to grief”

hello,
this day i dyed my hair. slightly lighter, slightly not as blonde as i had hoped, slightly kinda sad. i worked tonight, it was long but enjoyable. during my break i wrote something, inspired by what seems to be christian dogma. how to treat eachother! those who dont seem perfect, who dont line up with CCM culture are treated as lepers. a wounded leg doesnt need to be hidden it needs to be treated. a hurting soul needs love not a lecture.

She held them to the sky,
Those scarlet wrists, had met the blind.
“Do you see!?” “I hurt as you.”
“Cant you see?” “WE hurt! WE bleed!”
Sweep this mess away, to comforts bliss. You turn your eye.
Too comfortable! "Cant we speak, can’t we cry?"
This isn’t something solely bore, it doesn’t leave when you prescribe.
"You'll fail me, you gossip, you point-You HIDE!"

its easy to stab when they dont see the knife.
(dont just skip over that line)

graciously yours,
adam

A flower for your vanity, a penny for your thoughts

about the worlds insanity and how we've gotten lost.

today was grand. aside from adventures in gas-fumed bread it was simply marvelo'
last night i spent 3 hrs drawing, i did a pencil copy of Jacques-Louis David's Death of Marat. i guess it turned out okay, there is a lot with it i am not pleased with. facial expression, slightly misshapen arm, a loose copy i suppose. well those 3 hrs ended around 3:30am. I decided i would pull a carpe diem, and seize this day. i woke bright and early at 8:30, ate breakfast and showered. ive actually NOT been tired all day. dono got home early as he has finals this week. on sunday i got some bread from church, the same day the gas can in my car tipped over. this fault was issued with much consequence. my car wreaks of gasoline and the said loaf of bread suffered greatly. the side of the bag holding the honeywheat was torn a bit. in 3 days it soaked up the thick air as a sponge to water. i didnt know this. i made egg salad and spread it on this seemingly wonderful free bread. im halfway done and donovan digs in, "dude the bread smells like gas." "no way, yer probably just smelling me, cleaned up the spill." soon after his 2nd bite he states "NO, this bread tastes and smells like gas." at this point my delicious sandwich is 2 bites from demise. i give it a final smell and YEP! smells of gas, i also realize it tastes like gas. hmmm. this caught up with me later, dizzy, lightheaded, weary legs...

moving on. donovan and i rescued abi from the stale confines of NWU. we went to Redmond Town(e? i should know by now) Center. STARBUCKS, i still havent retreived my final paycheck and tips. i saw some old friends and an enemy i suppose. Kristine was still there as well as john, mary didnt see me or i was ignored, oh well. thennn came JEN LEFF, she despised my long hair and happy attitude. i asked her if she could grab them for me as the store was very slow (very relative to this store)at this time. she went in the back and then came out quickly. i asked again and she gave me bad "IT TAKES A MINUTE, CALL AHEAD NEXT TIME" attitude so i left. oh 5 minutes previous she tried to get me to buy some food and a drink, haha, i used to work for you idiot, say "hi"-not "buy!"... leaving the center(or is it centre?) i noticed more posters near the dumpster, we gnabbed em. abi suffered most, having giant boards above her head for 20 minutes, im sure hitting her head from time to time.

We watched EULOGY, starred ray ramano (we got it cos he had a mustache), hank azaria, and a few other people...really funny movie, dark comedy i suppose. most of the jokes stemmed from a degenerate father figure who had died...eulogy. i recommend it, highly.

soon came AWANA, i played kickball with the older boys, they whine too much. i suffered much emotional stress, yelling and begging for them to comply. it was fun.
then came the little ones, we did a whole lot of nothing. ran around with heads in baskets and arms flailing. lame. i need more organization for them, i feel i am failing. they deserve more than what i give. then came the mid's, hahaha, when they came in i was "playing" DUCK DUCK GOOSE with the little ones. there was much harassment and heckle. sooooo i made them play what the younger kids played. the2nd grade boys were found to be tooooo cool until it began, they had fun. we soon kicked our way into 3 intense innings of fun. during this time i "suffered" a few short blackouts, a wave of darkness sweeping over my head. kinda like when you stand too quickly. i also felt really weak, i attribute this to my lack of food after i consumed deaths sandwich. after awana i went to some teriyaki with david g. im pretty sure its called yummi or something to that effect. i bought hairdye, tomorrow morning i shall accomplish this task. im goin for a squad five-o look without the layered-rockstar look.

tomorrow i will draw.
farewell my readers with small voices, after all...its delicate.
adam

who am i to be thought of?
i feel so lonely sometimes, dont we all?
Caught up in these soil-bound vessels.
trapped in misconception.
"Life is pain!" wesley exclaims to his love. Or was it the pirate to the slut?
it's many things, joy, sorrow, filled with purpose, emtpied of sanity.

life is such that pain must dictate, the evaluation not the instance.
i suppose joy too is a cause of change though half as strong.

her name was lithograph...tbc

at work i broke 2 plates and proved someone wrong. good day on the job.
farewell for now.

He comes from the north as golden splendor...

it is one-thirty in the morning. this day that passed took with it opportunity. for about a week now i have neglected my love. not only have i shunned his words but i have forsaken our conversations. sure, ive prayed, off hand remarks about how i desire this and that. all for ruin i say. i was coaxed into doing this i suppose. many nights i have battled myself. do i go ahead and do my quiet time, giving God my last moments or do i start anew this next day? do i give him my first fruits starting tomorrow, or my last fruits starting today. my neglect is unexcusable yet human, isnt it? im supposed to do this, arent i? im supposed to be irresponsible and callous, selfish and vain. i didnt know what to read or scan so i typed "daily devotional" into google. the returned Our Dail Bread...march 8th WEIGHT LOSS. the opening story tells us of Alexander the Great's army. how they won war after war, time after time. soon they became weighed down by the many riches obtained from defeated foes. this led to a near defeat of alexanders world. he ordered they burn all they had collected and so they did. it was later said that "It was as if wings had been given to them—they walked lightly again." the treasures they held, had been given them nearly destroyed them. in the same way the devo continues, relating this history lesson with biblical truth. rather than carry pounds of gold, our Lord insists we put on the Armor of God(ephesians)! and in hebrews that we cast off every weight, that which weighs us down. this is small. this is quiet. this could be huge. this could be loud. will i let it? do i want it?

tomorrow donovan, daniel, david and (d)adam are going to the HE IS LEGEND, PROJECT 86 show. i love projects older stuff and some new...then there ie H.I.L. thrilled beyond words, if their live show carries half the intensity of that little disc i will scream like there is no tomorrow.

right now i am intrigued by broken streets and shattered windows.

here is a picture i tirelessly scratched about a week ago. or two. its me with one and a half arms. i dont like drawing hands/arms so i gave up before i got to it. its a self portrait i guess.

work is work is work. its now 1:46
hopefully endeavor will go on tour sooner than later.
now i rest. the morning comes quickly and i must not miss it!
adam

..feigning and apology.

Woohooo, so work was very productive. Both my mind and hands worked with such fervor.
Driving to work I had this odd feeling, sensation rather...the creative part of my mind literally said to me, through an echo in my head "i-i-i'm ba-ack"

Such feeble thought,
I think,
I thought. This day will drift away.
When sounds I sound will reach the dead,
resounding in this day.
The famine feast,
the trumpets flirt,
for those whom heaven's heard.
Caskets lie now overturned,
near emptied home of earth.

And here is a bit of an explanation of it. Prose I suppose.

These thoughts I have, I think wrongly. I thought this life would end and with it, purpose. When my voice reaches its destination, those open ears, it will be louder and broader than ever before. Those who hunger will be filled. The heavens will rejoice and play songs for those who've sought the Christ. Their tombs are empty, and caskets where they once lay, have been overturned.

Here is another. I was thinking about a friend who I was walking with one day. We were in Seattle and there were old men staring at her. I would stare back resenting them for their desire. Funny thing is, i'm as corrupt as they. This poem is about how the world has come to view women.

That pretty face, those pretty thighs.
They met me often, they'd meet my eyes.
I never sought beauty such as she,
who'd "love" me, who'd be-
EVERYTHING, all that she could not attain.
Never what God intended, had made.

good day all. i am off.
adam

just one silent word and im whole again...you said it.

I don’t know what or how to write. This amazing drought has gone far too long. I’ve begged the skies for rain to fall. Every plea, every attempt at writing has failed. Not lack of skill but thought, each and every brain wave has failed me. To continue pacing through fields of dirt is futile. I must plant seeds in preparation of rain, having faith it will come. Indeed it must.

This world in which we dwell, our home. Should we know it? For Norman, a sales clerk at Fred Meyer he thinks only of the moment, which inevitably cascades into the next. His world is at checkout stand 4 where above him a bright light says “OPEN.” The world I speak of, our home, is far different from the place Norman lives. Far different from the places so many of us stagger then die. The Western Wall, Angkor Temples, the Pyramids, still we find ourselves embedded in societies bondage. We only know our world by the front page expose’ of “riches found.” Distant I find myself from all of this, that which I know. I find it almost mankind’s duty to explore foreign land simply because it has been made. I also find and conclude that it cannot be seen by all, it must be experienced vicariously through a small number. Joyfully and fearfully through me.

The human struggle. Are we not one race? Are we not one innately flawed and graven image unto ourselves? Does not the obese man standing alone and smelling of trash deserve my love as I would give it so freely to the petit white girl? Our bond being a communal stain, sewn of the same fabric of the same tailor. Not all belonging to the Book of Life but in origin and Maker we are kin. All chained at birth and all struggle still, we as the creation struggle long.

count it a blessing that you're such a failure.

this hour i write to write. its been many days since i last tried. being a bit scared of what may come out, not content but literary soundness. ive felt so very inadequate in the writing arena lately. not comparing myself to others but by an inner voice that persuaded me for this time to cease all work. i hope to return with vengence. im listening to pedro the lion right now praying for a friend. this cd has comforted me many times, not his words but the sound and feel his voice evokes.

in darkness i shut my eyes. it seems instinctual, when light escapes i close them tight. is this some mental trickery? if i close my eyes in darkness my mind may think its light out and im just playing a silly game by which i stumble and stub. if i close my eyes and its light around me there is so much more comfort, to know that the moment you open the doors, light will flood in and security will return. my eyes are shut in this dark world. i know it wont be, but when i open them years from now it will be LIGHT and all will change. "come quick you light that knows no evening"

the song playing right now is a piece in the play being acted out in Winners Never Quit, my favorite EP by pedro t l...this piece is the moment when the main character kills his wife who plans to squeel on her election cheating husband. "and she thinks shes going to squeel" "you put down that telephone, you're not calling anyone..." it then fades into a more mellow song capturing his characters emotions well, kind of removed from everything realizing what he has done and trying to justify it with competitive rhetoric. mmmm.

so andre is engaged. im told the date is july 16th. there is gonna be so much happening this summer that i want to see and experience here. nay, a horn blows east beckoning me, drawing me close. ba ba da baaa da ba ba da baaa da ba da

its cash scroungin time, ive gotta get new tires on my van. the front right one on there at the moment loses half its air every 2 days. i found a rad place, discount tires that will throw 4 new ones on, rotate and stuff all for 204.76...quite a deal in comparison to the rest of the places. if i were buying chocolate or something and it weighed as much as a tire it would surely cost more than 50 dollars so i think im gettin quite the deal here!

this weekend im going on the YETI, jroc's annual retreat. donovan and i return to our spiritual oasis, Double-K ranch. the last time we were here we had no friendship to speak of. hmm that adds another huge dynamik to this whole thing. im excited to see what You will do there Father. bring me back to you oh Lord. im not far just not close enough.

How then may a young man mend his way?
by taking heed to your word.
with my whole heart i have sought you.
oh let me not wander from your commandments,
your word i have written in my heart, that i may not sin against you.

i memorized that in one day. if only i had that consistent drive to do such things.

i played with little kids again today, i think later in life i will definitely do this as a job, i never tire of their large heads and little bodies. we played steal the bacon for a while then did some races from wall to wall. i dont really have to mention it but i did win most of the time. cough, yeah thats right. we did the frog hop-i was disqualified (its so much harder than it looks), the horse gallup (they all cheated, horses use 4 legs not 2), the crab walk and the one legged hop. its getting so much more fun, ive come into my own i guess. no longer look to leaders for approval after i say something.

how can i sleep when the world is waking,
why do i wake when the world is sleeping!
never tire, never tire.
For He has risen,
not with the sun he is the Son.
never tire, never tire.
(CCCCCRAP, gotta start somewhere)

now i rest.

state of the union

my mind is dull. i cant write because my emotions arent "out of balance"-maybe not out of balance but there is nothing that prescribes that i tell of. i want even these moments of absolute contentment to be overridden with uncontainable joy.

grant me this, oh lord that dictates change.

people in big black shoes they do not dance,
men in tight neckties they will not dance.

the movie charriots of fire, never seen it but have heard so many times the quote that inspired us all. "when i run i feel the joy of God." not directly running for us all but tonight i saw that. today i say the joy of god in a little boys face. he sprinted with that green baton in his hand as if to catch his Maker and have him play all sorts of silly and childish games. awana was really fun, it is not as it was. i used to dread the appraoching wednesday nights because i had no assurance of what the night would hold for me. would i explain the game well enough, would they stare with blank faces as i fumbled over the rules? NAY, i love it. esspecially the younger ones, the 4-5 yr olds. i made them run lines for 10 minutes till they were tired, then (because i love it) had them chase me around the gym till i collapsed having them all attack me and throw me to the ground. then redlight green light. my night was rad.

here is a 4 line ditty im workin on, i dont know where to go...maybe its done.

"May I ever thirst"

I woke this morn with ‘ever thirst’
was born this day ‘O! ever thirst!’
mine eye since opened to the light,
that parched my soul with 'ever thirst'

anyhooo, i work at 10:30 so now i sleep.
adam

eat gooder, excercise morer.

today was most cool. i was lazy in the beginning. having watched i-Robot then gladiator took it out of me. in the course of the day i started cleaning our room, made a ninja action figure look way cooler than the manufacturer had intended(with the help of a sharpie) then went for a run. oi the run was hard but worth it in the loong run-ba doom cha-went to bible study tonight. it was a really good night with the guys. its usually hit and miss but my attitude going into it served to make it worthwhile and to make God more of a priority....this has all been rather scatterebrained, my apologies.

its as if a weight has been lifted, a looming question answered and wrong righted. your mercies oh father lift my heart "perfect love" now sings my soul.

I need to get more of a focus on my life. not lacking control but nearing that point.

i hung out with josh a bit tonight, he is encouraging to talk to when we actually talk. the smaller version of conversation sucks. donovan and i gnabbed a chair that was formerly used in a salon, ya know the one with the salad bowl thing that goes over yer head to dry the hair. its sitting in our garage till his parents make us move it.

prayer:
-preparation for my venture into the world.
-consistency in relationship with my wonderfull maker.
-become a man of prayer and thanksgiving.
-better maintain relatinoships with family/friends/friamily.
-eat gooder. exercise morer.

i cant say it like i sing it and i cant sing it like i...

i havent written in a while it seems. not empty just uninspired. today was heading south, boring with a few speedbumps. 4:30 comes and the days becomes wonderfully wonderfull. restoration is sweet, honey is no match for its sweetness. God (three small, empty letters cant embody your love, life, judgement, righteousness, glory, beauty, provision and care for my torrid soul) of all that is, you satisfy my thirst and paining hunger in this you are magnified. a heart is no match for your ever mending ways and for this i am glad in you.

there is a posibility i may be moving to a different coffee shop. if...higher pay and more hours are in the deal. if i am able to save 300 dollars every month that would be amazine. june comes quickly.

has truth defied me too?
a coat hangs over the wicker chairs left shoulder.
stay if you will.
the ceilings yellow paint discusses my nose with feigning innoncence!
climactic, the penguins taunting quip cuts me deep.
sincerely i return, to you, to me. from now, to them.
buffalo bill will not come home.

huh? all seriousness dissolved to hillarity. bye.

adam

an irresistable itch, i want to write something that inspires but all i have is this drabble. its late and i should be sleeping but i dont do much of that lately. im listening to damien rice~O. such an amazing cd. i love his voice, songwriting, sense of innoncene and honesty. on the cd there is a woman bkg vocalist, i love her voice to as high a degree as i love the cd, a lot.

i watched The Village last night after josh left. its a really cool movie, the parts you think are poorly acted or written are in the end so perfect. the ending was not at all what i was expecting and that left me pleasently suprised. i am so amazed that someone didnt spoil it for me in the months it took to go from theater to video to my viewing pleasure. thank you all for not ruining a good movie.

"we can only move toward hope in this place" william hurts character says of the bubble the townspeople live in. that is so true on a personal level. wherever you are at the only way the teeter can totter is toward hope because we are all so bankrupt of this quality. hope of betterment through a perfect remedy who is our Lord and Father, Jesus Christ.

Seeing Joaquin Phoenix in the movie made me really want to see Gladiator again, he is a rad actor and the more work he does the better because every glance he makes seems to be worth our attention. hes got some true quality about him, one that requires my ear to listen. there are few with such a hold.

im recycling a conversations material and being glad the one i talked with saved a morsel of it. i wish i had saved that whole conversation, for it was a good one.

i am convinced of this, that our dreams are what we are created for. not the empty 5year old ones of being an astronaut or ballerina but the dreams that beckon us to fulfill them. the ones we fear to try for because they seem so far and so difficult to achieve. the ones we shug off as being a childish glance at what could have been if powers greater than us would only have granted them. we have created with our our of the gate failure a world of dreams and nothing more. because so many before us have left their aspirations out of reach we too befall the terrible tendency of ignoring that inner yearn. i rarely complete thoughts, my scapegoat is the time.

adam

Against My Better Judgement

my goodness, the adventure life demands and the way we fail it. i will not fail it.

i still expect nothing but... ive spent so much time trying to neglect every notion that sucha familiar sound now escapes me just as OJ fled the police...but they caught him didnt they?

why do i feel like ive done something wrong? if anything ive avoided and trulu defeated sin a number of times recently.

this weekend wasnt what i expected it to have been but...NO BUT!!! i got to hang out with a rad friends whom i rarely see (some less than others) and for short periods of time the web of pals was one.

Anticipation, an odd accompanyment to my already mixed emotions. they are anything but polar opposites while all finding origin in disappointment and anothers failings. Relief, reluctance, sorrow and betrayal, just a few of the myriad of discussions my mind has recently undertaken.

God help me wrap my mind around what you have for me. this almost seems like running, is it toward or away from righteousness?

aaaaahh i nearly forgot, the holes in my ears have reached 1/2inch, there they will stay. the right one hurts a bit as the stretch from 3/8ths to the full half was a big one. goodnight

I wont dance, you cant make me!

i go through seasons of thought. there are far more than four, hundreds every year. each ushered in by things around me, work, friends... these things require an emotional response and in that response a season is held. as that season fades so does the initial, familiar feeling that made that part of my life so unique. this is pointless rambling.

its almost like she died. no prolonged goodbyes or fading whispers it was a vanishing. memories remain but retold in my mind they bring a sharp pain. no, not death more like she never was. that makes more sense since the images fade quickly as if they never were. another flash of distaste comes upon me, i want to scream with chords unheard. punching the keyboard, rattling fists of words may make more of an impact and serve to capture this in a more real way. i dont want to believe it was in my mind, that joy and all that comes with it was all a myth. that i was the chosen victim of some practical joke my mind has found hillarious. right now i have no choice, tomorrow will be different because i will remember a smile or something more real like laughter, a reaction to me.

im totally not emo-more honestly reflective than anything. life is so rad but i find it important to write these snapshots. no, i dont know why.
i sleep to need.
adam

clearing of the mind and throat.

just gettin off work i can never rationalize with the facts. i have to be awake in 4 and a half hours. i am never refreshed after i sleep, its wierd i always feel i can sleep more and more and more...i have to force myself to wake so i dont wast hours i think i may use wisely. on the drive home i was thinkin about stuff i want to write about. i came to the tireing conclusion that i have so many things i feel i need to express that it would take hours to begin. so many perpectives of what was and what may have been if all had not been purposefully forgotten. i dont forget, i dont think i could. i havent cried in so long but when i think about recent occurences and disappointments i get that sudden swell of emotion. i dont cry, i dont think i could but my emotions almost force tears to my eyes. "im far to strong for that kind of thing."

haha im pathetic, i often think i have everything figured out and everyone around me is deaf and dumb to life and what it holds. in some way that may be true, what if i am the only one that truly knows, enlightened more than the rest? dont be offended, i havent finished. this mentallity may be relative to us all, we all may have this sense within us that tells us we are more intelligible than the masses. not only relative in the sense that we all have it but that it is true. all are wise to their own schemes and adherence to the rules of this universe. i lost my train of thougt (dream theater) and i dont think its coming back...hmm next topic.

i remember the last time i cried, late one night in my van almost 2 months ago. i punched the roof in a split second of anger. holding an incredible, fond memory and being the first instance of a road i wish i didnt have to travel.

i worked tonight, consecutive closes. i did the same last night. Hollis Brown and some other guy played tonight. they brought quite an impressive crowd, in purchase and in numbers. they were okay but i mostly listened to music in the back while cleaning and doing dishes which could go under the category of cleaning but then i wouldnt have 2 things to include in that sentence making it more complete and eventually run on as i attempt to make it make more sense to those who i think may read this...hhhhhhuuuuuuuuubreath.

never would she sleep, desires running as a stream that would not freeze. her nimble fingers sewn to the sky begging for a sign. from who or what she never knew, each night a fresh prayer, every word a solemn, inadequate swear. "never more" she cried this night "never more." "clasped within this hinged hold, a heart of stone has kept me cold"
"Eloi, oh father make anew, mend this child who's breaking through!"
In this moment the clouds awoke, the calm was now a storm. flashes in the mist gave way to fear to end all fright. Terrified and broken she threw herself to the ground, attempting to shield the stone that filled the void. she heard the thunder felt the winds but all around was calm. inside this child a beat began, driven by the storm.

by adam demos and abi copple.

my ear piercings -if you want to call them that anymore- are gettin bigger still. 3/8-4/8ths of an inch. a little more and im done. its odd how perspectives change with time and ....i wrote about this a week or so ago..the ones i have in my ears right now used to look HUUUUGE, now they look small.

and now i sleep and wake up in 3 hrs for church. wooo hoooooooo. sundays are becoming the nap day of nap days...later all.
adam

hymnal

i was singin hymns in the shower and decided i'd write one myself...

If I could lift my voice to sing of thy righteousness
My song would be upon thy Son, sung from angel’s lips
Until this day that honors due, my heart shall bend to thee
Forgiven slave and purged from sin still I bend my knee.

Fainter still will my heart grow before I set on Love
Withering in shadows cast, bring light from high above.
Oh mighty and unending Love bring light from high above

Disdained this world has seen your kin,
He paid a mighty cost,
born and bled for life alas we count all gain as loss.

it came pretty easy but i dont know how to make a melody so its just words...for now.

adam(i dont know why i sign it, this is MY blog)

your land is gone and has been given to me.

people do it, they go to school they have friends close and far. they go to movies and get ice cream afterward. they call their mom and dad every few weeks asking for a little help with the bills because they had a monetary collapse. they'll soon graduate with honor owing a brick building thousands of follars. sooner than later they will have found "the one" and will be wed during the first half of this new year that they have spent together. family will grow, fathers will play with their sons and mothers will do their daughters hair and people will die ushering in a new generation of failure.

i wrote everything on this post at work so its pretty random and incomplete.

there is a disconnect an open sea,
it widens and it grows with me.

it was brought about by my own pain
it bever stopped it always gained.

it grows still, to this very day
it slows still, requiring i pay.


my words arent necessarily aboyt my experiences, feelings or things ive done. i use the words to create a mood and story which may have touched me at some point or in some way. i draw from the humanity of which i am a part of.

I want to lead an amazing life, one worthy of writing about. i want the first 19years of my life to be chapter one. i cannot live without some fulfillment of this dream. i want my life to be one others will recall with awe and recount for many to hear. Adam went here and there, talked to he and she, did this and that and it was amazing.

and now he rests, hoping that day comes sooner than later.
a little scared of what that day may bring he rests his eyes childishly.
adam