I don’t know what or how to write. This amazing drought has gone far too long. I’ve begged the skies for rain to fall. Every plea, every attempt at writing has failed. Not lack of skill but thought, each and every brain wave has failed me. To continue pacing through fields of dirt is futile. I must plant seeds in preparation of rain, having faith it will come. Indeed it must.
This world in which we dwell, our home. Should we know it? For Norman, a sales clerk at Fred Meyer he thinks only of the moment, which inevitably cascades into the next. His world is at checkout stand 4 where above him a bright light says “OPEN.” The world I speak of, our home, is far different from the place Norman lives. Far different from the places so many of us stagger then die. The Western Wall, Angkor Temples, the Pyramids, still we find ourselves embedded in societies bondage. We only know our world by the front page expose’ of “riches found.” Distant I find myself from all of this, that which I know. I find it almost mankind’s duty to explore foreign land simply because it has been made. I also find and conclude that it cannot be seen by all, it must be experienced vicariously through a small number. Joyfully and fearfully through me.
The human struggle. Are we not one race? Are we not one innately flawed and graven image unto ourselves? Does not the obese man standing alone and smelling of trash deserve my love as I would give it so freely to the petit white girl? Our bond being a communal stain, sewn of the same fabric of the same tailor. Not all belonging to the Book of Life but in origin and Maker we are kin. All chained at birth and all struggle still, we as the creation struggle long.
10.2.05
count it a blessing that you're such a failure.
this hour i write to write. its been many days since i last tried. being a bit scared of what may come out, not content but literary soundness. ive felt so very inadequate in the writing arena lately. not comparing myself to others but by an inner voice that persuaded me for this time to cease all work. i hope to return with vengence. im listening to pedro the lion right now praying for a friend. this cd has comforted me many times, not his words but the sound and feel his voice evokes.
in darkness i shut my eyes. it seems instinctual, when light escapes i close them tight. is this some mental trickery? if i close my eyes in darkness my mind may think its light out and im just playing a silly game by which i stumble and stub. if i close my eyes and its light around me there is so much more comfort, to know that the moment you open the doors, light will flood in and security will return. my eyes are shut in this dark world. i know it wont be, but when i open them years from now it will be LIGHT and all will change. "come quick you light that knows no evening"
the song playing right now is a piece in the play being acted out in Winners Never Quit, my favorite EP by pedro t l...this piece is the moment when the main character kills his wife who plans to squeel on her election cheating husband. "and she thinks shes going to squeel" "you put down that telephone, you're not calling anyone..." it then fades into a more mellow song capturing his characters emotions well, kind of removed from everything realizing what he has done and trying to justify it with competitive rhetoric. mmmm.
so andre is engaged. im told the date is july 16th. there is gonna be so much happening this summer that i want to see and experience here. nay, a horn blows east beckoning me, drawing me close. ba ba da baaa da ba ba da baaa da ba da
its cash scroungin time, ive gotta get new tires on my van. the front right one on there at the moment loses half its air every 2 days. i found a rad place, discount tires that will throw 4 new ones on, rotate and stuff all for 204.76...quite a deal in comparison to the rest of the places. if i were buying chocolate or something and it weighed as much as a tire it would surely cost more than 50 dollars so i think im gettin quite the deal here!
this weekend im going on the YETI, jroc's annual retreat. donovan and i return to our spiritual oasis, Double-K ranch. the last time we were here we had no friendship to speak of. hmm that adds another huge dynamik to this whole thing. im excited to see what You will do there Father. bring me back to you oh Lord. im not far just not close enough.
How then may a young man mend his way?
by taking heed to your word.
with my whole heart i have sought you.
oh let me not wander from your commandments,
your word i have written in my heart, that i may not sin against you.
i memorized that in one day. if only i had that consistent drive to do such things.
i played with little kids again today, i think later in life i will definitely do this as a job, i never tire of their large heads and little bodies. we played steal the bacon for a while then did some races from wall to wall. i dont really have to mention it but i did win most of the time. cough, yeah thats right. we did the frog hop-i was disqualified (its so much harder than it looks), the horse gallup (they all cheated, horses use 4 legs not 2), the crab walk and the one legged hop. its getting so much more fun, ive come into my own i guess. no longer look to leaders for approval after i say something.
how can i sleep when the world is waking,
why do i wake when the world is sleeping!
never tire, never tire.
For He has risen,
not with the sun he is the Son.
never tire, never tire.
(CCCCCRAP, gotta start somewhere)
now i rest.
in darkness i shut my eyes. it seems instinctual, when light escapes i close them tight. is this some mental trickery? if i close my eyes in darkness my mind may think its light out and im just playing a silly game by which i stumble and stub. if i close my eyes and its light around me there is so much more comfort, to know that the moment you open the doors, light will flood in and security will return. my eyes are shut in this dark world. i know it wont be, but when i open them years from now it will be LIGHT and all will change. "come quick you light that knows no evening"
the song playing right now is a piece in the play being acted out in Winners Never Quit, my favorite EP by pedro t l...this piece is the moment when the main character kills his wife who plans to squeel on her election cheating husband. "and she thinks shes going to squeel" "you put down that telephone, you're not calling anyone..." it then fades into a more mellow song capturing his characters emotions well, kind of removed from everything realizing what he has done and trying to justify it with competitive rhetoric. mmmm.
so andre is engaged. im told the date is july 16th. there is gonna be so much happening this summer that i want to see and experience here. nay, a horn blows east beckoning me, drawing me close. ba ba da baaa da ba ba da baaa da ba da
its cash scroungin time, ive gotta get new tires on my van. the front right one on there at the moment loses half its air every 2 days. i found a rad place, discount tires that will throw 4 new ones on, rotate and stuff all for 204.76...quite a deal in comparison to the rest of the places. if i were buying chocolate or something and it weighed as much as a tire it would surely cost more than 50 dollars so i think im gettin quite the deal here!
this weekend im going on the YETI, jroc's annual retreat. donovan and i return to our spiritual oasis, Double-K ranch. the last time we were here we had no friendship to speak of. hmm that adds another huge dynamik to this whole thing. im excited to see what You will do there Father. bring me back to you oh Lord. im not far just not close enough.
How then may a young man mend his way?
by taking heed to your word.
with my whole heart i have sought you.
oh let me not wander from your commandments,
your word i have written in my heart, that i may not sin against you.
i memorized that in one day. if only i had that consistent drive to do such things.
i played with little kids again today, i think later in life i will definitely do this as a job, i never tire of their large heads and little bodies. we played steal the bacon for a while then did some races from wall to wall. i dont really have to mention it but i did win most of the time. cough, yeah thats right. we did the frog hop-i was disqualified (its so much harder than it looks), the horse gallup (they all cheated, horses use 4 legs not 2), the crab walk and the one legged hop. its getting so much more fun, ive come into my own i guess. no longer look to leaders for approval after i say something.
how can i sleep when the world is waking,
why do i wake when the world is sleeping!
never tire, never tire.
For He has risen,
not with the sun he is the Son.
never tire, never tire.
(CCCCCRAP, gotta start somewhere)
now i rest.
3.2.05
state of the union
my mind is dull. i cant write because my emotions arent "out of balance"-maybe not out of balance but there is nothing that prescribes that i tell of. i want even these moments of absolute contentment to be overridden with uncontainable joy.
grant me this, oh lord that dictates change.
people in big black shoes they do not dance,
men in tight neckties they will not dance.
the movie charriots of fire, never seen it but have heard so many times the quote that inspired us all. "when i run i feel the joy of God." not directly running for us all but tonight i saw that. today i say the joy of god in a little boys face. he sprinted with that green baton in his hand as if to catch his Maker and have him play all sorts of silly and childish games. awana was really fun, it is not as it was. i used to dread the appraoching wednesday nights because i had no assurance of what the night would hold for me. would i explain the game well enough, would they stare with blank faces as i fumbled over the rules? NAY, i love it. esspecially the younger ones, the 4-5 yr olds. i made them run lines for 10 minutes till they were tired, then (because i love it) had them chase me around the gym till i collapsed having them all attack me and throw me to the ground. then redlight green light. my night was rad.
here is a 4 line ditty im workin on, i dont know where to go...maybe its done.
"May I ever thirst"
I woke this morn with ‘ever thirst’
was born this day ‘O! ever thirst!’
mine eye since opened to the light,
that parched my soul with 'ever thirst'
anyhooo, i work at 10:30 so now i sleep.
adam
grant me this, oh lord that dictates change.
people in big black shoes they do not dance,
men in tight neckties they will not dance.
the movie charriots of fire, never seen it but have heard so many times the quote that inspired us all. "when i run i feel the joy of God." not directly running for us all but tonight i saw that. today i say the joy of god in a little boys face. he sprinted with that green baton in his hand as if to catch his Maker and have him play all sorts of silly and childish games. awana was really fun, it is not as it was. i used to dread the appraoching wednesday nights because i had no assurance of what the night would hold for me. would i explain the game well enough, would they stare with blank faces as i fumbled over the rules? NAY, i love it. esspecially the younger ones, the 4-5 yr olds. i made them run lines for 10 minutes till they were tired, then (because i love it) had them chase me around the gym till i collapsed having them all attack me and throw me to the ground. then redlight green light. my night was rad.
here is a 4 line ditty im workin on, i dont know where to go...maybe its done.
"May I ever thirst"
I woke this morn with ‘ever thirst’
was born this day ‘O! ever thirst!’
mine eye since opened to the light,
that parched my soul with 'ever thirst'
anyhooo, i work at 10:30 so now i sleep.
adam
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