count it a blessing that you're such a failure.

this hour i write to write. its been many days since i last tried. being a bit scared of what may come out, not content but literary soundness. ive felt so very inadequate in the writing arena lately. not comparing myself to others but by an inner voice that persuaded me for this time to cease all work. i hope to return with vengence. im listening to pedro the lion right now praying for a friend. this cd has comforted me many times, not his words but the sound and feel his voice evokes.

in darkness i shut my eyes. it seems instinctual, when light escapes i close them tight. is this some mental trickery? if i close my eyes in darkness my mind may think its light out and im just playing a silly game by which i stumble and stub. if i close my eyes and its light around me there is so much more comfort, to know that the moment you open the doors, light will flood in and security will return. my eyes are shut in this dark world. i know it wont be, but when i open them years from now it will be LIGHT and all will change. "come quick you light that knows no evening"

the song playing right now is a piece in the play being acted out in Winners Never Quit, my favorite EP by pedro t l...this piece is the moment when the main character kills his wife who plans to squeel on her election cheating husband. "and she thinks shes going to squeel" "you put down that telephone, you're not calling anyone..." it then fades into a more mellow song capturing his characters emotions well, kind of removed from everything realizing what he has done and trying to justify it with competitive rhetoric. mmmm.

so andre is engaged. im told the date is july 16th. there is gonna be so much happening this summer that i want to see and experience here. nay, a horn blows east beckoning me, drawing me close. ba ba da baaa da ba ba da baaa da ba da

its cash scroungin time, ive gotta get new tires on my van. the front right one on there at the moment loses half its air every 2 days. i found a rad place, discount tires that will throw 4 new ones on, rotate and stuff all for 204.76...quite a deal in comparison to the rest of the places. if i were buying chocolate or something and it weighed as much as a tire it would surely cost more than 50 dollars so i think im gettin quite the deal here!

this weekend im going on the YETI, jroc's annual retreat. donovan and i return to our spiritual oasis, Double-K ranch. the last time we were here we had no friendship to speak of. hmm that adds another huge dynamik to this whole thing. im excited to see what You will do there Father. bring me back to you oh Lord. im not far just not close enough.

How then may a young man mend his way?
by taking heed to your word.
with my whole heart i have sought you.
oh let me not wander from your commandments,
your word i have written in my heart, that i may not sin against you.

i memorized that in one day. if only i had that consistent drive to do such things.

i played with little kids again today, i think later in life i will definitely do this as a job, i never tire of their large heads and little bodies. we played steal the bacon for a while then did some races from wall to wall. i dont really have to mention it but i did win most of the time. cough, yeah thats right. we did the frog hop-i was disqualified (its so much harder than it looks), the horse gallup (they all cheated, horses use 4 legs not 2), the crab walk and the one legged hop. its getting so much more fun, ive come into my own i guess. no longer look to leaders for approval after i say something.

how can i sleep when the world is waking,
why do i wake when the world is sleeping!
never tire, never tire.
For He has risen,
not with the sun he is the Son.
never tire, never tire.
(CCCCCRAP, gotta start somewhere)

now i rest.