something like laughter

i dont know what is going through my mind, through my finger tips, my feet, my heart. this is an exciting time to be alive, (i tried to finish that sentence better but being vague seems to fit best). after work i took the spoils of the week to our place. i felt so grown up. ive relied on others so much. different families, friends, all giving, pouring out their riches. im pathetic in my response. i often felt like the silent slave, but i have no bond. bowing my head repeatedly in gratitude without actually SAYING "thank you..." for "this" and for "that." im waking in 3 and a half hours. easter sunday.

a humbleing sensation rose in me hours ago. i felt like falling on my knees at that moment and crying, dismissing all interruption and just weeping. i guess i still feel like this. this isnt some easter revelation or recollection of a broken christ... god i wont ask you to take me back again, i wont ask for you to look at me without hesitation. HESITATE! NEGLECT! FORGET! such as i deserve! im excited, im broken, im hopefull, im here and i wont ask but i will act. i wont ask but you will act, you must oh lord you must.

i dont know what to write other than i had a good day and grieve my generation. i overheard a conversation between a brother and sister today. they sat in comfort, sipping on ceramic cups. they sat and she spoke. "oh god! kill me if you ever catch me in a christian music store!" this continued. she also spoke of how cheesy and impersonal every church seems, and how there is so much proof of gods existence. i dont know where im going with this but her words spoke volumes to me. her examination of my Lords kingdom (as we have made it) is sad and all but broken.

i feel like i am typing with half a keyboard, half of what i think is being thrown out, the other trapped between my skull and fingers.

i sliced my finger at work, bled much.

goodnight neverland,
aaaachoooooo