Why not be crushed and made wine?

Soon, there will come a time when you will no longer see me. I’ll be gone, off to some place of obscurity (or is it purpose?). When you call to me I will not answer. This place of purpose (or is it obscurity?) will change me and I will love it and it will deny me…at first. I don’t know where it and I will be found or lost better yet-embraced.

----------!TIME!----------

GRACE, I lack it often. Cynicism, I’ve got plenty, barrels full. I’m very frustrated with ME. I want to love them so much, so rightly and as my Father does, with no interruptions. But I find, I cannot. Give me that love my Lord.
Who cares if he flirts or if he laughs or if he is too slow or he if thinks too much or if he forgets too often…it seems I thrive off of this.

----------I met with sean chandler this afternoon. He was very late, the traffic was hideous I hear. We met for only a half hour and God you are faithful and deserving of ME and I not of YOU.


I told him of my desires and loves and passions and the things I could never do… and our time ended far too soon. We will meet again, Sunday after church we say, for teriyaki and fellowship and overflowing of hearts and tea.

Megan Krantz played at the Lyons Den tonight, it was very good and I love to hear her sing and to laugh with her.

there are times i feel quite lonely, like i have not connected with someone this day...i know this is not true though. today i have connected with many. i sat by elizabeth and talked a bit today, she is almost a quadripalegic, slight mobility of the arms. she talks very well for this condition or the condition of her shell. she is a very exuberant woman, and much older than she seems. ever friday and or saturday she would come and watch and listen and interact at the Lyons Den. she would come and sit by the door as people came in and out, treating her like the plague at times. she doesnt smell the greatest and drools like a 2yr old and i love her, very much i do. she is very lighthearted and likes to order me around cos its the fun thing to do. making straws extra long with tape and fixing TUNA sandwiches cut into little bits so she can eat them more easily. having moved to seattle a few months ago elizabeth hasnt showed her beaming face on those formerly predictable friday/saturday nights. it was good to see her and talk for a moment. ACCESS was very late in picking her up, it is disappointing that they arent better at what they do. the driver passed by a few times and i eventually ran down the street trying to catch him before he gave up looking for the coffee shop that could have sneezed in his face it was so close. came home with abi and jamie, ling ling and goodbye.

now my friends are watching a movie, hmmmm. i need to talk with someone in person. i think i am starved for such a thing. its the whole water water everywhere but not a drop to drink fiasco. so many minds but none that can be tapped. i am very tired but will sleep is not an option due to light and noise...i want to talk but my voice would reach the walls, i want to scream but the chords of chaos would meet the sleepers who-i hope- are dreaming wonderful dreams in my stead. i cant quit writing, if fingers cease, my mind will overload...i need to expell some thought. if i cant be honest what can i be? if i dont speak what i wish to...is that a lie? to me to us? if if silence is right then why do i want to talk so much?


a goodnight, i hope.
adam

With hands tied (behind my back)

she is beautiful and bound.
wondeful and wrapped, in metal and plastic.
rest now in sleeps pretense.
"the angels wings will cover you tonight, halleluja, halleluja.
rest your head against the breast of christ, halleluja, halleluja."

"thoughts pass by like a river flows."

this little girl is very pretty, her parents must often wonder what she might have been like, without the pain. they must have thought and blamed and cursed themselves to a point of collapse. these thoughts pass by like a sweeping second hand from 6 to 8 to 10 and another minute begins and their new love for her is born.

for a moment, standing behind the counter i saw through the Fathers eyes who this little one is. was made to be. her only words were moans and snarls, indistinguishable murmurs for help or for love or for hunger. He let me see this fracture mended and it was beautiful, she was beautiful, she is beautiful.

this is my first update in many days, i havent written all that much lately.
the trend must not continue.
adam

A Phoenix Ignition

Went to a mormon "church" yesterday. Abi, James, Melissa and i traveled to redmond to the stake found only a stones toss from my old school. Excerpts and addings to what was said this passed sunday.

And everything was prompted, paper fed, papers read.
No heart, no person in those words. stale. nothing unique, beauty stifled.
"faith is to hope for things unseen, that you know are true." in the name of jesus christ, amen??
"heavens eyes smile down as we declare, peace."
"fast for purpose, there are levels of spirituality only reached by prayer and fasting..." will you pray, and fast, and fail?!
There are rules for these things you know!
...and now another quote by the Lord Joseph Smith "We encompass all truth despite its source." hmmm. 1cor.13

saturday i went to a driving class to get out of the path of a traffic ticket.

gloria.goofy.wheeler.smokey.badknees.cocktail.turban.didntclickit.othello.okiedokiepotsmokie.dothatathome!

I wrote this in the car a few days ago just before work.

The hidden discourse of my mind,
In barren snow-capped mountains find,
or desert’s sand, forgotten time.
I must find, in time my mind.
Untie a creature from its post,
Trauma settled on new host.
An axe a knife a sword a stone
In each has been a murder sewn.
I’m free, I Creature, never walk!
Briskly tear these lines of chalk.
Winding ‘round, connected end,
This broken body found again.

jumbled and space to fill.
adam

Yahweh

Yahweh, U2
Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I’m waiting for the dawn

Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don’t make a fist
Take this mouth
So quick to criticise
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahewh, Yahweh
Still I’m waiting for the dawn

Still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up
The sun is coming up on the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?

Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break

in the beginning

...this day was beautiful.
God i long to be with You and while that longing remains, i desire a full life. Nothing medial, nothing ordiniary, i people to speak in envy of how you used me. And i want that envy to grow into desire and that desire to be rooted in You. That my life would inspire usefulness and worth and that because of your workings righteousness would spring.

This is a beautiful day.
i opened at work today. i woke at 5:45 to an alarm i put near my head to assure my waking. Josh was standing over me. i thougt it was david scrambling to end all noise.
he laughed, at this point it was obviously a seigel. he informed me that he and daniel were just now going to bed. they had just finished up a 3+hr game of Age of Mythology.

God this is not empty,
forced thankfullness. Take it and bless the thought. Thank You Lord, That i live with five amazing guys. ive been an ass lately. forgive me for my cynical and ever-critical assesment of every one of them. it was wrong. i was wrong. More than anything right now i desire to grow with these guys. in knowledge and in faith. we will often disagree but let there be no quarrel among us. bless our home with peace and virtue. descend upon our lives with beauty and give us fervant hearts desire your ways, not our own.

Eloi, i seek you.
amen.

today i hung out with 4 wonderful fems. we went to the khmer new year celebration. good food, humorous/cheesy play and a few culturally distinct dances. it was cool getting to see what another culture holds important. good to see what a friend has known as culture. i was tired but dont want that to be an excuse. i shut down halfway through the night. maybe a build up of many things but my mind seemed to have vanished. someone would say something and my mouth wanted to respond out of habit...my mind would not follow. it was strange, it was sad-i think.

adam

Torches together, torches forever

...or if you'd rather be a window id gladly be your frame...

here are some poems i wrote last year during Creative Writing...

A Place Called Sorrow

There is a man who lives in that apartment.
He's been there a while now.
Every day he leaves just to get back in.
He walks quickly just to feel insecure,
to realize how much he misses being home.
He walks as briskly as an older man can,
Through the tennis court, past the unusually dirty pool up the small stairs back to the familiar place.
As well as he knows the loose board's creek in the entryway
and the leaky faucet, he knows pain.
He lives with pain for a while, a roommate he is thankful to have forgotten.

He kicked him out one night,
it was after a heated argument.
That was a good day for the man.
He is happier and heavier these days,
no longer the frail man of his former temerament.
The morning after that good night, he painted a picture of something new.
"I'll no longer go there." he promised himself scratching the canvas with a dark color and smiling a little smile.


here is the second part to it that i wrote many months later in realizing i had lost the above work...which i found this week.

A Place of Contentment

another park bench, or the gazebo where the young couple is hiding love?
a cane now presses against his leg, a sign of things to come.
the lord smiles still, at this tweed jacket of a man.
those channels still grip his face, a little deeper now,
a little more time takes hold.
never gray, this morning's filled with promise,
tonight is cards with Roger and the boys.
still no letter, still no word.
the lord looks on these dull faded eyes,
he looks and sees a servant, late to bloom but oh father thank you that he has.
once a thorn, now a flower,
the bastard now a son.

The man I speak of defeated something huge in his life. Something that had potential to crush him, make your own story to fit his pain and one of how he rose against such a force.


The humanity!
Abraham's children litter the skies at night
while beasts of our time gaze upward.
Up past the lights and sound and past the heavens.
Pondering origin and what the future may hold.
They ponder why and who we are because they know not their inner yearn.
Ignorance isn't bliss, it is torment!
Taking heed to such advice yields no more than fists full of sand.
A phantoms grasp at buried gold.
In tombs they held it fast,
breached by men who dared ill curse.
Their measure weighed and soon found red.


WALDO

Dripping
Dripping more,
Dripping more than just before
He leapt forth into the lake,
Soaring quick for his balls sake.
A giant splash of displaced sludge,
Lake Sammamish holds its grudge.
Polluted bath of toxic slime,
Home to chemicals and to time.
Unconcerned with pH tests,
Inner-tubes or life-vests.
It's a rubber toy that he seeks,
Instinct tugs at drooling cheeks.
Emerging proud he's proved his worth,
Trudging out from dog-made surf.

that will be enough for now.
adam