Spirits of control and confusion

The past week or so I've thought about the way I've written in the past and I am highly critical of it. Some of it may be good but I feel like there was not much thought to it. i write about something without wanting to. Get somewhere without choosing that somewhere.

Kept in little jars on little shelves,
PAINT!
sold to begging farmers who'er saving souls.
MY!
Temporal pain can be released with a days wage.
SOUL!
Mothers weep for sons who never cared.
A!
Fathers mourn their daughters with brows of ash.
BRIGHTER!

When ash is not enough,
those fathers turn to paint and brass.

SHADE!
The painters wrists cant reach the "real",
the church has bound,
bound their pockets to his heel.
The reformation Luther, Calvin.
Brighter days will come but not before it gets a little darker.

ADAM

the faintest

why is it so hard to follow you?
for me to disregard the pleasures and leisures of today and be a child of forever should be simple. it should be easy. only you can make every new day seems so new.

becoming your martyr

lots of people do this.
decide that life is too painful, sad, unfair, etc. and all they want is to feel needed.
they want this but dont seek it out, skimming surfaces when they should be diving deeper. yes i feel for them but there is a point when you just say to yourself "they need to find their way, alone." the oft tendency then, is becoming your martyr. making yourself out to be some hero of old who struggles only to find some strand of purpose. they do this and succeed only to view themselves this way. others see them as being self serving, even liars.

advice: screw this all! i am going to live and love and be my martyr no more. i am going to enjoy life and it will have me as its patron not its begger.

good day.
adam